If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
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ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party