If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I wish all tests were things you peed on
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?