I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
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date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
It’s the weekend y’all
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Mouse
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.