You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
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ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.