{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
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“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.