Dogs should be allowed to drive.
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Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick