Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
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Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut