If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
The cake is mightier than the sword.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.