If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
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Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.