If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
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son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.