“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
You Might Also Like
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
.. do you even science?
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.