Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
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[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.