@kumailn: If Billy Joel wrote "We Didn't Start the Fire" today, it would be 2 hours.
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@SortaBad: Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work? *flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn't find a thermos* "Yes"
@UnFitz: Me: Hi, mom. I'm feeling tremendous guilt. Mom: Why? Me: Just thought I'd save you the effort.
@rolldiggity: I fill my pockets with glitter so when people ask me for money, I can turn them out to show that I'm broke, but still a little fancy.
@TheBoydP: The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs...