Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
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HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
😏😏😏
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
R.I.P.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No