@kumailn: If Billy Joel wrote "We Didn't Start the Fire" today, it would be 2 hours.
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@Mr_Kapowski: "Will you marry me?" "The cookie was poison" "The lotto numbers will never win" Examples of why I got fired from writing fortune cookies
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Wake up 5-year-old: Me: We’re late 5: Me: The house is on fire 5: Me: Your sister touched your stuff 5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
@david8hughes: [wakes up & turns to wife] "I had a nightmare. You died." "Aw. It was just a-" "Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast."
@ohpeetie: Boyfriend is talking about taking me on a camping trip. Like, a real one where we'll sleep in a tent and pee outside. Is he mad at me?