me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
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Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet