If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
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This is no longer winter this is harassment
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone: