If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
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[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
*pronounces fake like saké*
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Sell your car
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.