All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
You Might Also Like
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
PLEASE READ
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Education is vital
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.