Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
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“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?