If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
You Might Also Like
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
we’re gonna need another temp
how to have fun when you’re poor
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!