The Backseat Boys
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My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
My sex drive has a dui
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.