#damn
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Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
OH. COME. ON.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.