I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
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Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Its true…
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Anyone really
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.