If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
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You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
My neck, my back, my…
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you