If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
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DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*