Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
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Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.