If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.