If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
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ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?