[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
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Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”