Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
You Might Also Like
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever