My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
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me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
getting groceries
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.