“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
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She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
North and South
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
dads on road-trips be like
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.