If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
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As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
quarantine day 3
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.