If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
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If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.