Tremendous stuff
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My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
damn he’s good
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.