[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
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I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!