If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
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[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice