@trevso_electric: If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
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@suzieQ0007: People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are! Criminals: I'll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
@blairgarner: To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, "Here, just fill this out." ?
@Eric_Bader: Got laid twice in two days so either I've done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.
@AndrewNadeau0: 6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we'll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.