@trevso_electric: If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
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@jordan_stratton: PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released? ME: Crimes. PB: Excuse me? ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I'M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
@Donnie_Fairburn: [Phone with Mom] "Did you just friend request me?" I'm on fb now "I'm not adding you" Fine do your own laundry then *accepts friend request*
@NakedHangover: I'm not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I'm pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.
@DumbConfessions: Wrong hole. No. Still the wrong hole. Only ONE in each hole! Ugh. Here! I'll show you. -Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.