If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
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My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio