if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
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Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit