A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
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Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Happy Thanksgiving
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.