If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
You Might Also Like
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
She was rare, like a goth jogging
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I need this for my side hustle.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Midwest trash talk
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo