@DomComedy: If Dumbledore did a 'Cribs' episode for Hogwarts, he'd be like "and this is where the magic happens" in every room.
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@MikeMcNeil_: wife: "HOW ARE WE OUT OF ICE AGAIN?" me: "DUNNO," I yell from the bathroom; the penguin and I can barely contain our laughter.
@ericacanrant: Looking for rich sugardaddy to support me so I can support my boyfriend so he can tweet more. *thoughtful romantic tweet*
@aaronup: Psssst. Hey you, Yeah you...Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
@joejwest: [chess tournament] RIVAL: [plays move] ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess! COMMENTATOR: He's won every round this way