Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
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Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.