If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
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cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
i smell a pulitzer
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
asking santa clause for nudes
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵