If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
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Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.