If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
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Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.