[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
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I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
just gave your address to some spiders
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom