north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
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House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
“i am a sweet baby”
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.