If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
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ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
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The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.