*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
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Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)