me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Battery falling down a hole
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?