If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
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My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Cheers Twitter.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.