If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
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Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
No selfies while hijacking a train.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”